Mixed Emotions

So Christmas is in a week and I have to say, I have had the most mixed emotions about the whole thing. This has definitely been the busiest Christmas I've had in a long time. Each week seems to be getting busier and busier and I wish there was a pause button I could push to make it all stop!! Christmas parties, shopping, cleaning, weddings, service, birthday parties, work, choir practice, laundry, naps (out of shear exhaustion!!) and the list goes on!

On one hand, I have loved this year because there have been so many opportunities to serve. In lue of a traditional Christmas party this year, our ward arranged to help out several refugee families in the SLC area. We did an angel tree, food drive, appliance/housewares drive, made over 150 fleece blankets and hand made wool mittens. It has been awesome and has really helped me get into the Christmas spirit. It feels good to know you're helping someone else-- and especially when they really need it.

This coming Sunday is our Christmas program and I'm singing in 3 groups--the ward choir, a woman's group and a duet. Along with all of these groups comes their practice schedule as well. I love the opportunity to sing, but I can't help but look at my watch when our 1 hour practice has gone over 15 minutes and it's 9:15 and I still need to get home, get my child in bed (PJ's, teeth, story, prayers...etc.) get my self ready for bed, get past all of the distractions on the way to my bed and actually fall asleep. I don’t think I would be such a worrier about time if I didn't have to get up at 4:40 every morning. Sleep is precious and lately opportunities for it are few and far between.

One of the hardest things to overcome is the effects of my job. I work from home doing sales for several companies. I basically place orders for people who call in to buy products they hear about on radio ads or from infomercials. Glamourous, I know. Some days I actually really enjoy my job, but lately I have found myself getting a little edgy with my customers--which isn't like me. I hate to point the finger, but it's their fault! I wish I could play you a recording of some of the people I talk to. Yes, I am a sales person. My job is to sell products. That is how I make my living. HOWEVER, when I signed up for this job, I did NOT check my heart in at the door. I am not a heartless automated attendant, I'm a human being and I expect to be treated as such. It's a tough expectation to have when some lady calls in with her panties all in a wad who only wants to buy the product she calls in for and doesn't want to hear about the extended warrantee and the 3 other up sells you have to tell her about, that she might actually want if she would shut her mouth and listen for a second....breathe........... I don't remember being effected by the "bah-hum-buggers" of the season last year, but this year I've had it. My patience is much more thin and I have a hard time finding that little extra push to stay unaffected in the midst of a customers tirade. It's easy to forget you're working with a person when you're talking on the phone, but we have feelings too. (sniff sniff )

Tomorrow I'm actually throwing a birthday party for Lucy. It's just a small get together with a few of her friends, but still it's one more thing on the list. I'm actually excited for it and think it will be lots of fun, but I've got a growing checklist of things that need to be done for it and a host of other things that have to get done as well. All in good time, I suppose. All in good time.

So with Christmas next week and still a long list of shopping to be done, presents to be wrapped, recipes to cook and memories to be made, I find myself here with mixed emotions. Despite the frustration and exhaustion that comes from the holiday season, I'm grateful for the raunchy customers because it means I have a job. I'm grateful for the many opportunities to serve because it means I am already taken care of. I'm grateful for the opportunities to sing because it means my vocal chords won't shrivel up and fall out ;o) and I'm grateful for this morning when Lucy came into my room and said "Mom, I just want you to come snuggle with me in my bed." Of course I logged out from work instantly and went to snuggle with my little girl.

May We Have Eyes To See

This last weekend I went down to Temple Square with a friend and had a great evening seeing the Savior of the World and the Christmas lights. The performance was beautiful and moving and I was inspired by their message. After the performance we made our way back through Temple Square over to our car parked a few blocks away and as we passed I noticed the usual panhandlers that surrounded Temple Square. There has been quite controversy over whether to support panhandlers and beggers on the street and I have seen many stories in past years on the news that have exposed people posing as panhandlers only to take advantage of others generosity, and making good money to boot.


While we were living in Korea, my dear friend Tiffany shared an experience she had with me. Because Seoul was such a large city it was often much easier to travel by subway than drive. Tiffany was riding the subway one day when a begger woman entered the car. She was an older woman who had a slight difficulty walking. As soon as she entered the car, she moved directly to Tiffany who happened to be the only American on the car. This woman stood right in front of her with her hand stretched out. She didn't say a word but just stood there.

She was annoyed that this woman had instantly singled her out as the "rich American" and was expected to donate to every poor person who came along. There was a dozen other people on the car that could have easily donated to her cause, but the woman walked directly to Tiffany and expected her to give out. Annoyed with her asumption that she was full of money to give away, Tiffany sat with her arms folded and stared away from the woman. A minute later the woman moved on and looked for other donations.

Tiffany told me that later she was reading the Ensign magazine preparing for her visiting teaching and the lesson happened to be on blessing the poor. She shared with me a scripture in Mosiah 4:19 that reads,

"For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have?... And now, if God, who has created you, on whom you are dependant for your lives and for all that ye have and are, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing ye shall recieve, O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another."

I remember when I was younger going with my family to see the lights at temple square. We had parked over by Dee's Family Restaurant just off North Temple so we could conveniently stop off for hot chocolate on our way back to the car after the lights. As we passed through the parking lot on our way to the lights, a man approached my Dad and asked if he had any money to spare. The guy explained that his car had broken down and he was trying to get back home and needed money to buy a bus ticket. My Dad simply asked how much the man needed, opened his wallet, pulled out what he could afford to give, and gave it to the man. The man thanked him and was on his way.

After the man had left, I asked my Dad why he gave the man money. "His car probably isn't even broke down and he'll probably use the money to buy drugs or alcohol. Why did you give it to him?" I asked. My Dad explained simply that if someone asks for our help we should give it. "You can never know if someone is trying to take advantage of you or not, but if you can help you always should" he said. Although my Dad didn't know the man's true intention for the money, he knew that he was responsible for his actions toward him.

I keep thinking about that lesson a lot lately and the scripture Tiffany shared with me. "Are we not all beggars?" We may not be begging for money, but we may be, in our own way pleading for attention or validation from a spouse or family member; on your knees pleading for forgiveness and relief from guilt and sin; acting out in anger because our children aren't behaving the way we would like; or maybe you find your self everyday on your knees pleading for Gods help to move forward in pursuit of a goal or dream.

My wish for myself, and all who read this, is that this Christmas season we will be able to SEE those around us. To truly see others through Christ’s eyes-- as children of God. Instead of seeing someone asking for an inconvenient hand out, allow the spirit of Christmas to work within you and see the soul of that someone, asking for your help. Don't judge their intent. Simply see it as an opportunity to GIVE. I've been praying for opportunities to give more this season and I hope I can have eyes to see all the opportunities that are around me.

Because I have been given much, I too must give.
Because of thy great bounty, Lord each day I live,
I shall divide my gifts from thee, with every brother that I see,
Who has the need of help from me.

Because I have been blessed by thy great love dear Lord,
I'll share thy love again according to thy word.
I shall give love to those in need, I'll show that love by word and deed,
Thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed.


Because I have been sheltered fed by thy good care,
I cannot see another’s lack and I not share,
My glowing fire my loaf of bread,
My roof's safe shelter over head,
That he to may be comforted.  

Fearless

As many of you know, I have been working with a dream coach for the past few months. I haven't discussed this experience much with others because I struggle to know how to explain the experience to someone else. It's been so comprehensive and deep that it's hard to give a 30 second commercial explaining what we do. The experience has gone a bit longer than planned, but it has gone a lot deeper and been more life altering than I could have ever imagined.


One common theme to what I keep learning in life and throughout this experience is the role of fear. Each of us is plagued with it. From the moment we come to earth we are being taught what is good, what is bad, what is right and what is wrong, what is acceptable and what is unacceptable through our experience and interactions with others. We learn to fear certain things, people and ultimately every experience we have from the moment we come from the womb shapes how we believe, think and feel about EVERYTHING. Woah. Let that one soak in for a minute. I'm sure if we really thought about it we could identify a moment in our lives when something happened that has stuck with us ever since.

We are the results of what we choose to believe. On my last session I was assessing those things in my life that I see as failures. It has been interesting to me what things I consider as failures and what things I don't. This is going to sound silly, but one of the failures I saw myself as having was the fact that I had a degree in Music Education and I am not using it. I am not teaching in a school and therefore I have failed. I also see my sparse and fading knowledge of theory and inverted secondary dominants (blah blah) as a complete failure as well. If I can go through 5 years of grueling practice and study and then 5 years later look back and remember so little of the "technical stuff" I must be a failure.

Throughout almost my whole college experience I knew I loved music. I knew it spoke to my soul in the way that nothing else had and I needed it in my life. In some ways, I also felt like music needed me. I felt I had some unique gift to offer it that no one else could give. That's why I chose to study it. But despite those feelings and the knowledge of my "gift", I could clearly see that I struggled with the technical aspect. I struggled and drug my way through every theory and aural skills class I had to take, taking some of them over, but I got by. I did what I had to do. I didn't excel at it by any means, but I got through. I tried hard, but despite my efforts, looking at my transcript it looked like I only did enough to get by. My peers probably didn't know. I didn't talk about it, but I constantly compared myself with the department "stars"--you know the ones who are always raising their hands in class because they know the answer. I slowly told myself that I wasn't as good of a musician because I wasn't the theory wiz or the aural skills master. And slowly I began to believe that. It didn't happen over night, but over a long period of time that belief took root.

And now here I am. It's been almost 5 years since I graduated and am still struggling with that belief.

Why is it that we always see the failure? How often do we stop and evaluate the lessons learned from it? Why do we ignore the best parts of ourselves only to keep feeding a lie that serves no purpose but to hold us back? It's because of fear.

I want to share an experience I had several months ago. I had been struggling with the effects of my divorce and felt frustrated and overwhelmed that I couldn't move forward in certain areas of my life. I felt a great deal of fear over certain issues and I felt a lot of anger from what had happened. I had made an appointment with my bishop and after I had poured out my soul about all the problems I had, he told me something I had never before considered. He explained to me that fear and anger are one of Satan’s greatest tools. When I am consumed by fear and frustration I am not progressing and I am right where Satan wants me. Stuck in my own self pity and woe and not going anywhere. Think about it--if he can stop us from recognizing our own greatness, he's won! When we're consumed by fear and anger we can't see past the clouds and lack the vision and power to move on. I suppose I already knew that, but until he said it, I didn't get it.

I love the scripture in 2 Timothy 1:7-8 that reads,

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Be not therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou a partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God."

We all have failures in life. We all have fear that is the result of how we see our failures. But God has not given us the spirit of fear. In looking at my schooling as a failure, I'm forgetting all the amazing experiences, blessings and knowledge I received! I have been letting a small weakness stop me from achieving my greatness. No more. I believe God has great things in store for me. He has prepared me and will continue to prepare me if I will only trust Him. I am choosing to not be controlled by fear. I am choosing to be fearless.

  

A day for JOYce 2009

On September 28, 2007 my dear friend Joyce passed away. She and I had been friends since 2000 when we met our Freshman year at BYU-Idaho. We were neighbors our first year and roomates our second. Joyce and her twin sister Joan became great friends of mine and have stayed that way ever since.  In 2005 Joyce was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.  She faught her battle with cancer for a year and was blessed to have it go into remission. We were relieved. During that time, she was fortunate enough to become pregnant with a little boy. During her pregnancy her cancer came back and she resumed treatments throughout her pregnancy and delivered a beautiful healthy baby boy named Jacob on December 19, 2006.  It was 9 months later when the doctors realized that Joyce's cancer had taken over some of her major organs and there wasn't much they could do. Surrounded by her family and loved ones she passed away.

I think about Joyce alot.  Her death hit me hard, not only because she was my dear friend, but also because she was my same age and had a child 5 days older than my own.  I struggled with the fact that Jacob wouldn't grow up knowing the amazing person that is his mother. I know he is surrounded by a loving family who will not let him forget her, but as a mother I just wanted to hold him and tell him also.

I remember one experience about Joyce that I want to share. When we were roomates we had a goal to have apartment prayer and scripture study every morning. We would roll (literally) out of bed around 6am and congregate in the living room. We'd pray and read scriptures half awake half asleep and then be on our way either to the shower or back to bed.

I don't even remember what spawned this, maybe it was something she saw on a movie, (Joyce loved movies) but one day Joyce told me that when she woke up in the morning she was going to sit up and say as loud as she could, "I'M BACK!"--like "woohoo! I made it another day!". Of course the idea totally made me laugh and I completely forgot about it until the next morning when my alarm went off. A minute or two later I heard someone down the hall yell enthusiastically "I'M BACK!!!". I totally busted up laughing.

I don't want to forget Joyce. Her birthday is November 5th and I want to honor her life in some way so I invite you to join me in a day for JOYce. On this special day I invite you to celebrate the life you have been given. Wake up in the morning and yell out with gusto "I'M BACK!!!". Embrace every moment and savor the simple joys you get to experience everyday. Hold the people you love longer and tell them not only that you love them, but what you love about them. Let love flow and don't hold it back from anyone or anything. Hold your children. Squeeze them and tell them how much you love them and how proud you are of them.  Hold them a little longer and savor every second. Make a phone call or write a letter to someone you love. I challenge you to spread love like a wild fire this coming November 5th and simply love♥. Let the phone ring and the dishes sit in the sink and every other unimportant thing wait. If anything, do it for Joyce, and Jacob and Stu who will be together forever, but who may be missing the presence of their wife and mother a little bit more on that day.

♥♥For Joyce♥♥

Art

So one day several months back I was sitting in the McDonald’s Play Place in Bountiful happily eating my grilled chicken sandwich while I watched Lucy disappear and reappear from the gigantic play "thing". Not far from me was an older gentleman who was there with his brood of grand kids. I knew because while I was there he had a continuous stream of requests. "Grandpa can I get an ice cream cone?" as he would promptly pull out a one dollar bill and say "Sure. Here ya go", every time.


It wasn't long before we struck up a conversation which lasted about an hour. As long as the kids were happy we kept talking. His name was Art Nielsen and he had been a teacher and coach for over 40 years. He's currently in his 80's and substitute teaches 4 days a week in south Davis County and loves every second of it. It was so weird to me, but I felt such a connection with this 80 year old man. It was a little serendipitous and I couldn't help but feel at the right place at the right time.

The thing I learned about Art during our conversation was that the relationships in his life were the most important thing to him. And it wasn't just the relationship with his spouse or his children, but every relationship was important to him. He was full of stories about kids he'd been able to help over the years and I was amazed as I listened. What impressed me the most was that Art gave his complete trust to these kids he'd never met. He would work with them one on one, he would talk with their parents, he would listen, he would even loan them money if they asked for it. Art gave them something few teachers and adults ever give kids. He gave them trust. He told me that he couldn't control whether they trusted him, but he chose to place all the trust he had in them.

I recently read a book called Anatomy of Peace. The objective of the book is to teach us how to resolve conflict in our lives. One of the first lessons taught is how to identify whether we are seeing others as people or as objects. To put this in very basic terms, when we see someone as a person we acknowledge that that person has needs and feelings just like us. Where as when we see someone as an object, they don't have individual feelings or needs, but are just part of a group, social class or "type" of people. By labeling someone as an object, it strips them of any personal or individual feelings or characteristics. This can be applied on so many levels, but the lesson is always the same. We treat others differently when we see them as people instead of objects. The book goes on to explain how these views of others effect our relationships and teaches how to over come these challenges we all face.

I have to say, it feels like it's been a long time since I felt sadness about the end of my marriage. I felt I had come to accept that what was done was done and I needed to focus on the future. Reading that book brought back a pain I hadn't felt in a long time. It's that pain that comes when we realize that we have seen those we love as objects and not as human beings. I found myself wishing I could go back and change the past, that I could have reacted differently in certain situations or just been a better person over all. The problem with pain is that, as uncomfortable as it may be, I believe it's a catalyst for changes we must make.

I got to see Art recently. He spoke in a fireside and as I listened to his stories again, I was so impressed by him. It's so hard to explain, but when I look at Art, I see someone who sees no objects, but only the people he is surrounded by. He would give you his time, his money and his love if you asked for it, and probably the same even if you didn't ask for it. The love from this man flows like a river. Unrestrained. I want to be like that. I don't know how, because I'm hopelessly flawed and selfish, but I want to be like Art. God willing. Someday.

IN GOD WE TRUST

A friend of mine recently posted a status on facebook saying this, "Do you really think an all knowing God would punish a people for not recognizing him in temporal matters? How about we leave God to religious matters and not be so juvenile as to say that our particular form of diety is childlike and will throw a tantrum if we don't recognize him/her/it in all matters." His comment was in response to the argument of removing "In God We Trust" from our currency and his view is that God has better things to do than to worry about His name on our currency. This was posted over a week ago and I have been thinking about it ever since.


I don't want to talk about the whole currency issue. I hope the words "IN GOD WE TRUST" stay on our currency, and hopefully by the end of this post you'll understand why. But that's not what I want to talk about. I've been thinking a lot about God lately. I think it's important for you who read this to know that I believe in an all powerful God who created the Universe and everything in it, including us. That being said, I also believe that it is that same power, God, who causes the sun to shine, the grass to grow and our hearts to beat and lungs to breathe every day. I don't know how it works, but it does. Planets revolve around the sun and embryos become babies. There is a system to this universe, to which you and I are integral parts of. I want to share a quote by a woman named Marianne Williamson:

"To trust in the force that moves the universe is faith. Faith isn't blind, it's visionary. Faith is believing that the universe is on our side, and that the universe knows what it's doing. Faith is the psychological awareness of an unfolding force for good, constantly at work in all dimensions. Our attempts to direct this force only interferes with it. Our willingness to relax into it allows it to work on our behalf. Without faith, we are frantically trying to control what it is not our business to control, and fix what it is not our power to fix. What we're trying to control is much better off without us, and what we're trying to fix can't be fixed by us anyway. Without faith, we're wasting time."

Those of you who know me well know that I used to do a lot of river running. I remember an experience I had when I first started to guide boats down the river. In my mind there was a specific course I had to keep my boat on. In my mind, I couldn't stray for my course or something would go wrong. It was like in my mind there were lines painted on the river and I had to stay in those lines or there would be trouble. After a long day and several runs down the river I was exhausted. It wasn't fun. I didn't want to do it again and I kept thinking "Why is this so hard?" I would see other guides with commercial rafting companies floating down the river with ease, knowing that they would probably go on four runs that day and I could barely make it through two! I talked with my Dad about it and he reminded me that there is a current to the river. If you stay in the current the river will take you where you need to go. My job was to keep my boat in the current. That lesson made guiding my boat so much easier.

I've thought about that lesson a lot throughout my life. How often to we try to control our lives? To control people and processes. It's like trying to paint lines on a river. The truth about rivers is that we can only see the surface. Sometimes the water is rough and sometimes it's smooth and glassy, but there is always a current even if it's running deep under the surface. We can learn to trust in the force or we can fight against it. Fighting against it is always harder. Like Marianne Williamson said, "our willingness to relax into it allows it to work on our behalf."

I hope we choose to trust in God. I realize this is a hard thing. It involves surrendering everything we think we want and having faith that God, the One who makes the sun shine every day and the grass grow, will make our lives what they're supposed to be. Not just in spiritual matters, as my friend suggest, but in every aspect of our lives. This is faith, and something our country needs more of. If you ask me, IN GOD WE TRUST should be printed on every building, on every billboard and most importantly, on every heart.

A Toast to Toast!

I've decided it's about time for me to explore a deep dark obsession I've had for quite some time now. It's my unquenchable love for toast. Now this is not just any love of toast, I have a very refined and specific taste for good toast. In my mind there are specific guidelines that must be followed in order to create the best toast.

The Bread. Not just any bread will make good toast. You can't pop that Wonderbread crap in toaster and expect anything good to come of it. Let's face it some breads make better toast than others. I, being the grainy girl that I am prefer the whole wheat variety. Most 100% whole wheat breads will do. I prefer a more hearty bread for best results. Also, I recommend using an organic sprouted wheat bread. The most common form is called Ezekiel bread and it's based on a recipe found in the bible. I know, you didn't realize there were recipes in the bible. Surprise! It's not to heavy, but still hearty and it is oh so satisfying with out being to much.

Butter or Margarine. Always, always, always (I repeat always) choose BUTTER! It's real people. I know we're all concerned with butter being to fatty, but reality is it's much more gentle on your system than margarine which is usually pumped with synthetic preservatives and crap. The key to enjoying butter is moderation. A little goes a long way. In the words of Julia child, "I LOVE BUTTER!"...mmmmmmmmmm.

Peanut Butter. Spread it on when your toast has just come out of the toaster and it'll kind of melt a little bit...and so will you! Delicious! I'm a peanut butter snob and only use organic or all natural peanut butter with no hydrogenated oils. You'll live longer. Trust me ;o)

Bananas & Raisins. Adding banana's and Raisins to toast topped with PB is one of my favorite snacks. It has that hearty, grainy, sweet yet satisfying appeal that I want in a snack. One slice will last you all afternoon... or morning. It's also a great midnight snack.

Agave. This is God's gift to hypoglycemics like myself. Agave is a natural sweetener derived from the agave plant. It's organic and has a low glycemic index so it's more like a carb than a sugar. You can find it at most whole food stores and it makes a great sugar substitute. I've made zucchini bread and other baked goods with it and it worked great. I like it because you get the sweet you want with out the highs and lows that sugar brings to your system. Having a warm piece of Ezekiel bread smothered with butter and agave is like cheesecake to me. Add peanut butter to that and it's like pimped out cheesecake with nuts, and berries drizzled all over it. I'm salivating just thinking about it.

So now you know my secret. I absolutely LOVE (and crave) toast. Everyday. In my opinion, it is natures candy bar. I want to hear what you like on your toast. Please share!

Dropping The Ball

Almost two months ago I met this really awesome guy online named James. From the first time we chatted we just had chemistry. After several chats, we moved to phone calls and texting. After a month of getting to know you's (and plenty of flirting) we FINALLY went out. I must say, it was one of my top dates ever! Conversation was easy and we had so much in common! It was so much better than I even expected. After a 2 hour dinner with non stop talking, we decided to extend things and go to a movie. Long story short, after much fighting over the armrest, I initiated some hand holding (which I've NEVER done on a date) and we held hands through the majority of the movie. At one point I asked if his arm was comfortable and he said, "Yes...and I really want to kiss you... and I'm usually really slow...but..." As much as I wanted to (and trust me. I wanted to!) I told him he was going to have to wait, but I of course kept holding (and caressing) his hand. After the date we headed out to our cars, hugged and exchanged "I had a good time"'s and then headed home. We texted a couple times the following days after and then I haven't heard from him for 3 weeks.

This brings me to the topic of this blog post--Dropping the ball. I remember having a pretty in depth conversation with a friend years ago. He had quite a history with relationships. He would date a girl for a while and things would be going really well and then when he lost interest he would just stop contacting her. Cold turkey. Since my friend and I were traveling together at the time, I thought I would take advantage of our travel time together to figure out what it was in the male mind that would make him think that dropping off the face of the planet was a good idea. Ultimately what I discovered was that he thought disappearing would be easier on her. "I didn't want to hurt her" was his answer. I couldn't help but point out that the only person it was easier for was him and that all he did was leave some poor girl wondering what the heck happened?!

I think this is a common mindset among men. "I don't want to hurt her feelings". But let's think about this for a second...and consider not only the intensity of the pain of breaking up, but also the length of time it takes to get over someone. Would it be better to A) Tell someone you've enjoyed getting to know them, but you just aren't interested or that you're not ready for a relationship. Or the alternative B)Stop calling. Stop communicating and leave her wondering if you got in a freak car accident or you left the country or maybe even got back with your ex. Should she wait? Should she move on? There was chemistry...but where did he go? Obviously he's not interested, but we got along so well!

The obvious difference is closure. Is that such a hard gift to give? Ultimately it's a sign of respect for the other person. Is it hard? Yes--It's always hard to break up or tell someone you're just not interested. But at least you know how the other person feels and can move forward. So I challenge all of you to complete the incomplete. Bite the bullet and be honest with your feelings and with others. (This goes for you too ladies!)

I'm sure you're wondering how I'm going to get over James. I always envision relationships like a game of pass the ball. When you initiate a contact you've passed the ball and it's up to the other person to respond. I've passed the ball to James and he stood there with his hands to his side and let the ball bounce back to me. Of course I threw it back! I liked this guy! But there he stood. Hands to his sides and the ball bounced right back to me. He dropped the ball. So. I'm going to find someone else to play with.

When I grow up

Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? I always thought I did, but I'm finding out that I really don't. Divorce will do that to you-- take all your plans and throw them up in the air and mess em all up!! As frustrating as it is, I have to admit that I've enjoyed the opportunity to really think about what it is that I want to do with my life.

Recently I started working with my dear friend Cosette who is a dream coach. I work with her once a week and we're working on getting clear about what it is that I want to do and learning how to set goals and make my dreams a reality. Of course, to make your dreams come true it's important to have a clear picture of what your dream is. This is where I struggle!! My dream was always to raise a righteous family and love and care for a spouse and children, but unfortunately that dream doesn't pay the bills! Although that is still my dream, I have had to broaden my view and figure out what my dream career is, but ultimately who I want to become.

Now here is where I'm struggling. It's been hard for me to think of what I want to do because I keep trying to fit it into a title, for example "teacher" or "entrepreneur". But I'm just not feeling the title thing. So I've decided to just make a list of things I am passionate about that I would like to do in a career and then figure out where I fit. I realize this could set me up for some long term career as an underwater yoga and basket weaving instructor, but if I loved it, who cares?!!

I invite you to play along with me here. I'm going to list some things that I'm passionate about doing and you tell me what career I can have that would encompass all of these elements and at the same time bring me lots and lots of money. (**remember the lots of money part!!**)

Here goes... I love to teach and share with others. I would love to work in an environment where I felt like there was an exchange of ideas and energy with others. I love to present. I would accept a public speaking assignment any day and be happy as a clam about it. I enjoy working with other people often, but not all the time. I need to be exchanging ideas and feelings with others. It totally energizes me. I want everyday to engage me mentally, physically and emotionally. Especially emotionally...but not in a draining way. I love music and ideally would like to share my talent and passion for it with others. I feel like communicating through music is a strength I have and I want to use that. I am passionate about health and achieving a mind/body/spirit connection. I embrace alternative forms of medicine and health and feel passionately about sharing that with others.

So the challenge I give to my 4 followers (yes, I have 4 followers now!!) and anyone else who reads this, is to tell me what title you would give my dream job. Get those creative juices flowing~~~ I can't wait to hear what you come up with!!

Finding Mr. Right...online

So I have recently realized that I need to get out and start meeting people. After my hiatus, the extrovert in me has been ready to get out and meet some new people. Considering my current situation this is virtually impossible. Think about it... I work full time from home, I care for my daughter the rest of my day, I attend the same family ward I grew up in and aside from the park and the grocery store...that's it! Like I said, meeting new people is virtually impossible.

So I have made the decision to go....online. Were it not for several friends with success stories, I would have never done this, but let's face it, what other options do I have? I started doing this around the beginning of July and it's been an interesting month, to say the least. I've been approached by some interesting characters. One of the first people to contact me sent me the link to this YouTube video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4Ok-ENnqn Q I wish I could let you view the video right here, but I can't. So please click on it. Let's just say, I was a little creeped out. Did I respond? Not to mention the guy was 20 years my senior. You're not robbing this cradle Mr!! CREEPY.

Stay tuned for more of my online dating experiences... and please share your own if you have them!

Hiatus

Hiatus: an interruption in time or continuity.

As many of you have noted, I have been on a blogging hiatus for over a year. It's been a stressful year with lots of changes in our family. I thought pretty much everyone knew, but I have recently discovered that many of you didn't know, but I am now divorced. Without going into the gory details of it all, it will suffice to say that there were issues we were unable to resolve and as a result, separation was the best option. Nothing more really needs to be said about it, other than I have felt a great deal of peace come from this decision and I have great hope for a future filled with opportunities.

Not only have I taken a hiatus from blogging, but I have also taken a hiatus from life. After my divorce I threw myself into work and life and did everything to busy myself and stay distracted from the reality of my situation. I didn't know how to deal with it and so I wasn't. I was avoiding it. It was about March when felt this overwhelming need to stop. I stopped doing anything extra in my life--No second job, no extra activities, no pressure, no demands. Everything needed to stop. It was made pretty clear to me that I had been on a path that would only lead to more heart ache, if I didn't stop and address the issues of my heart. I needed to stop avoiding and start looking at myself and who I am.

Long story short, this has been the best thing I have ever done for myself. It's been amazing to me how much better I function as a human being when my my needs are met and I feel like I have honored myself. Learning to honor ourselves is such a hard thing. We are giving by nature and I think it's easy to give everything we have and every moment of our day to those around us, but the down side to that is that we are left empty. I don't like the word empty, which is probably why I'm a "glass is half full" kind of girl. I don't' ever want to feel "empty". I have had to ask myself many times, "what can I do today that will honor me?" Answering that question for me has meant things like making time to eat right, practicing Yoga on a consistent basis, and making time for sincere prayer. Also, I have had a great desire to connect with the people around me more. I feel energized when I am around others. Even people I don't know or won't talk to, but there is an energy that I get from even going to the store. It's a strange thing that's hard to explain, but I need to be near others. Their energy feeds mine. All of these needs have evolved and I am continuing to figure out how much and how often I need these things in my life. I am a rough draft that keeps getting worked over. Hopefully someday I can become the masterpiece God intends me to be.

I want to hear from you--my 3 followers!! How do you honor yourself? I'd love to hear what you do that renews your mind, body and spirit.