Almost two months ago I met this really awesome guy online named James. From the first time we chatted we just had chemistry. After several chats, we moved to phone calls and texting. After a month of getting to know you's (and plenty of flirting) we FINALLY went out. I must say, it was one of my top dates ever! Conversation was easy and we had so much in common! It was so much better than I even expected. After a 2 hour dinner with non stop talking, we decided to extend things and go to a movie. Long story short, after much fighting over the armrest, I initiated some hand holding (which I've NEVER done on a date) and we held hands through the majority of the movie. At one point I asked if his arm was comfortable and he said, "Yes...and I really want to kiss you... and I'm usually really slow...but..." As much as I wanted to (and trust me. I wanted to!) I told him he was going to have to wait, but I of course kept holding (and caressing) his hand. After the date we headed out to our cars, hugged and exchanged "I had a good time"'s and then headed home. We texted a couple times the following days after and then I haven't heard from him for 3 weeks.
This brings me to the topic of this blog post--Dropping the ball. I remember having a pretty in depth conversation with a friend years ago. He had quite a history with relationships. He would date a girl for a while and things would be going really well and then when he lost interest he would just stop contacting her. Cold turkey. Since my friend and I were traveling together at the time, I thought I would take advantage of our travel time together to figure out what it was in the male mind that would make him think that dropping off the face of the planet was a good idea. Ultimately what I discovered was that he thought disappearing would be easier on her. "I didn't want to hurt her" was his answer. I couldn't help but point out that the only person it was easier for was him and that all he did was leave some poor girl wondering what the heck happened?!
I think this is a common mindset among men. "I don't want to hurt her feelings". But let's think about this for a second...and consider not only the intensity of the pain of breaking up, but also the length of time it takes to get over someone. Would it be better to A) Tell someone you've enjoyed getting to know them, but you just aren't interested or that you're not ready for a relationship. Or the alternative B)Stop calling. Stop communicating and leave her wondering if you got in a freak car accident or you left the country or maybe even got back with your ex. Should she wait? Should she move on? There was chemistry...but where did he go? Obviously he's not interested, but we got along so well!
The obvious difference is closure. Is that such a hard gift to give? Ultimately it's a sign of respect for the other person. Is it hard? Yes--It's always hard to break up or tell someone you're just not interested. But at least you know how the other person feels and can move forward. So I challenge all of you to complete the incomplete. Bite the bullet and be honest with your feelings and with others. (This goes for you too ladies!)
I'm sure you're wondering how I'm going to get over James. I always envision relationships like a game of pass the ball. When you initiate a contact you've passed the ball and it's up to the other person to respond. I've passed the ball to James and he stood there with his hands to his side and let the ball bounce back to me. Of course I threw it back! I liked this guy! But there he stood. Hands to his sides and the ball bounced right back to me. He dropped the ball. So. I'm going to find someone else to play with.