Monday, August 24, 2009

Dropping The Ball

Almost two months ago I met this really awesome guy online named James. From the first time we chatted we just had chemistry. After several chats, we moved to phone calls and texting. After a month of getting to know you's (and plenty of flirting) we FINALLY went out. I must say, it was one of my top dates ever! Conversation was easy and we had so much in common! It was so much better than I even expected. After a 2 hour dinner with non stop talking, we decided to extend things and go to a movie. Long story short, after much fighting over the armrest, I initiated some hand holding (which I've NEVER done on a date) and we held hands through the majority of the movie. At one point I asked if his arm was comfortable and he said, "Yes...and I really want to kiss you... and I'm usually really slow...but..." As much as I wanted to (and trust me. I wanted to!) I told him he was going to have to wait, but I of course kept holding (and caressing) his hand. After the date we headed out to our cars, hugged and exchanged "I had a good time"'s and then headed home. We texted a couple times the following days after and then I haven't heard from him for 3 weeks.

This brings me to the topic of this blog post--Dropping the ball. I remember having a pretty in depth conversation with a friend years ago. He had quite a history with relationships. He would date a girl for a while and things would be going really well and then when he lost interest he would just stop contacting her. Cold turkey. Since my friend and I were traveling together at the time, I thought I would take advantage of our travel time together to figure out what it was in the male mind that would make him think that dropping off the face of the planet was a good idea. Ultimately what I discovered was that he thought disappearing would be easier on her. "I didn't want to hurt her" was his answer. I couldn't help but point out that the only person it was easier for was him and that all he did was leave some poor girl wondering what the heck happened?!

I think this is a common mindset among men. "I don't want to hurt her feelings". But let's think about this for a second...and consider not only the intensity of the pain of breaking up, but also the length of time it takes to get over someone. Would it be better to A) Tell someone you've enjoyed getting to know them, but you just aren't interested or that you're not ready for a relationship. Or the alternative B)Stop calling. Stop communicating and leave her wondering if you got in a freak car accident or you left the country or maybe even got back with your ex. Should she wait? Should she move on? There was chemistry...but where did he go? Obviously he's not interested, but we got along so well!

The obvious difference is closure. Is that such a hard gift to give? Ultimately it's a sign of respect for the other person. Is it hard? Yes--It's always hard to break up or tell someone you're just not interested. But at least you know how the other person feels and can move forward. So I challenge all of you to complete the incomplete. Bite the bullet and be honest with your feelings and with others. (This goes for you too ladies!)

I'm sure you're wondering how I'm going to get over James. I always envision relationships like a game of pass the ball. When you initiate a contact you've passed the ball and it's up to the other person to respond. I've passed the ball to James and he stood there with his hands to his side and let the ball bounce back to me. Of course I threw it back! I liked this guy! But there he stood. Hands to his sides and the ball bounced right back to me. He dropped the ball. So. I'm going to find someone else to play with.

10 comments:

Grand Pooba said...

Oh man, I HATE when guys do that! My first boyfriend did the same thing and to this day I have no idea what happened! It drove me crazy for a long time and I still wonder what the heck happened but I doubt I'll ever get that closure.

Your analogy of the dating game as playing ball is spot on! I hope you find someone else to play with soon!

Erin said...

When I read that he "dropped the ball" I actually gave an audable gasp that made Emery say, "What is it mom?" That is pretty laim-o. Sorry...

Jay said...

Sorry to hear bout James, as someone re-entering the dating scene I do appreciate the insight. One of the things I'm trying to change in my life is being more open & honest w/people & this will be a challenge when it comes to relationships & ending them if/when that happens.

Melissa said...

Love the comments everyone.

Kelly- I love your comments.

Erin, the fact that you made an audible gasp makes me smile. Tragic though it is, there are other fish in the sea.

Jay- I didn't know you were divorced. I'm sorry to hear it. Us divorces' need to stick together! Honesty is always the best policy, but ultimately it comes down to the golden rule-- do unto others as you would have done unto you. Best of luck to you in the dating world!

Sara P said...

Melissa, You have put into words so well, the exact things that other women have experienced all too frequently, including some of my own dear ones, so thank you for phrasing it all so eloquently...I think you helped yourself and others to deal with this most frustrating issue. I don't know what the ultimate solution is, but I am comforted to know that there are many of our female species trying to join hands and handle it without going insane. God bless you with a real relationship soon, because if anyone deserves it, you do! Love always....from Sara (soon to be in Seoul again...this week!)

Martin Ricks Family said...

Yeah! I'm so glad your blogging again! I saw your comment on facebook! Your blogs are fun to read. How's your little one?

Marissa said...

So, basically what you just confirmed to me is that guys really don't EVER "grow out" of certain games?!?! Oh Melissa, I'm really crossing my fingers that you find that awesome guy that you deserve. I have mixed emotions about you back in the dating world again, as I'm sure you do too. On the one hand, dating can be so much fun and so exhilerating, but on the other hand you run into issues like this one and people that, as you said, try to pretend they're concerned about the OTHER person, when in fact they're really just looking out for themselves and trying to make things on themselves easier. Good luck with the next date and be sure to keep us posted :o)

Emily Horrocks said...

Seems like all guys play the game this way. It just stinks because it can hurt. At least you know how it works and how to be the better one in the situation. Eventually, some dude will smart up and realize he cannot let you get away!

Barb said...

Boo!
I had a few guys totally drop the ball and after a long time, I eventually moved on! (after some stalking about how they ended up. Facebook is evil that way...) I would much rather had them tell me straight up they saw nothing was going to happen...

Kelly said...

Such and honest post. His loss babe- Big time! You totally deserve better.

Small story? Once when my husband and I were dating we broke up. Then got back together a month later. During our time apart he went out a couple times with another girl and so when we made the choice to pursue our relationship again guess who thought it would be a good idea to go and speak to that girl in person and explain why he wouldn't be calling her again? Yes- my future husband. Easy? No (not for me either waiting in my Nissan in the rain for him to come out of her apartment). Classy? YES! Just wait for it Melissa...